Flower Of Conceit
by blacksouledbutterfly
Summary: Everyone thinks they know who I am. Narcissa Malfoy, mother of Draco, wife of Lucius, pureblood extraordinaire. But no one really knows the truth; no one knows who I really am. And maybe, just maybe, I don’t really know either.
1. Prologue: Flower Of Conceit

_My name is Narcissa. It comes from the word 'narcissus' which means conceit. To call someone narcissistic means that you believe they have an unnaturally strong love for themselves and only themselves; they're selfish and undesirable and it's also a warning against turning into Narcissus himself. Don't know who Narcissus is?_

In Greece there's a legend of a man named Narcissus. They say that Narcissus was the most beautiful man in the world and that all the women in the world desired him but he kept rejecting each of them. One of his admirers was an imp named Echo. She adored Narcissus so much that she would follow him wherever he went. As time went on Narcissus continued to spurn the advances of all women who tried to gain his favor including Echo herself but that didn't change how much she adored him nor that she would follow him.

One day Narcissus came upon a river and he gazed upon his reflection. Once he saw himself in the river he fell instantly in love with his own reflection but when he found he would never be able to hold his love he opted to remain on the riverside gazing upon his reflection. So there he stayed, day after day, gazing at the love he could never hold until he withered away into nothingness and left in his wake was the narcissus flower. And Echo who had watched him was so heartbroken at the loss of her love that she withered away into nothing but the repetition of a man's last words.

Narcissa is a warning and a curse; it's how my parents decided I would be special, above others because of my pure blood. They had named my sisters after stars and had named me after a flower used to represent a man who had died because he loved no one more than himself. Our parents had given us names like that simply because they expected great things or at least what you would call great for pureblooded women. They expected us to grow up and marry another pureblood and have pureblood children and continue the family line and tradition. They had gotten their wish twice and their hopes dashed with their third darling girl but my sister's story is not my own; my sister's life is not mine.

Some of you know who I am; some of you think you know who I am and what you know isn't necessarily untrue. My husband is most definitely Lucius Malfoy; my husband was most definitely a Death Eater as was my older sister, Bellatrix. Yes, my other sister Andromeda was disowned because she married a muggle born; my son had been chosen to kill Albus Dumbledore. My cousin Sirius was disowned for his relationship with muggles and was falsely imprisoned for killing two of his best friends. My son is Draco; my son received the Dark Mark himself and my house became the headquarters for the Death Eaters for a while during the final battle and yes, I was raised to believe that purebloods were better than muggles. All of those things are true and I would never deny any of those things for even a moment but that isn't all there is to know; my story isn't merely that simple.

I want to say that I love my husband and I love my son. Draco is the most important thing in the world to me. but my life wasn't always that simple and at first I didn't know if I wanted the life my parents wanted me to have. I played the good daughter; I followed their whims and abided by their wishes. I married a good pureblooded wizard and played the loyal wife but that was simple and that was just what I let the whole world see. But inside I was conflicted and inside I wasn't satisfied with the world that was lying before me, the destiny I would have to live out which would be exactly like my own mother's.

Draco might not want to know the truth and for that I apologize but there is only so long you can keep things a secret before your very being screams for you to release the truth for the world to see. Many people won't like what I say; maybe people won't believe it either but that isn't my biggest concern. Because while I would become the perfect example of pureblooded mentality, a loyal wife and mother that wasn't who I always was. Who I was back then was more of a disappointment to my family I'm afraid.

I have been many things. I have been perfect; I have been a disgrace. I have been helpful; I have been destructive. I have been loyal; I have been dishonest. I have been betrayed and I have betrayed. I have been happy; I have been sorrowful. I have been broken and rebuilt; I have been deceiver and deceived.

I have had secrets.

I have been a secret.

Who I was…well, I was a wicked contradiction.


	2. Loneliness Gets So Old

It was the first week in May when I was to be married. I knew Lucius and his entire family because all of the people in the pureblood world tended to know each other. Every single one of us was married either by blood or marriage and when you went far enough back it started to seem a little incestuous. But none of us really cared. If we wanted to keep our bloodlines pure we did what we had to do.

My parent planned for nearly a year in a half for my wedding and though I was only nineteen my parents thought that was plenty old enough to get married. I can't even imagine how much money they spent on the wedding. They wouldn't tell me. And everyone who we knew- family, friends, and even mild acquaintances in the pureblood world- were all invited to take part in this even that my parents considered to be the happiest since my sister married.

Only two people in our family weren't invited: my sister, Andromeda, has already been kicked out of the family because she opted to marry a muggle born rather than marry a pureblood as my parents wished. And my dear cousin, Sirius, burned off the family tree in his parent's house because he, indeed, was friends with muggles.

Bellatrix spent nearly a month before the wedding bustling about trying to inform me of how wonderful life was be now that I was to be married to a high standing pureblood as well, how we'd be high in society- two sisters married of into wonderful families. And though if I never really knew if she loved her husband she surely adored his status and surely adored the status that it gave her. Bellatrix was, if nothing else, a power hungry person. And since we were children she always held herself in higher regard than anyone else ever could imagine.

The wedding was to take place at the Malfoy manor which wasn't a surprise. The lawn was vaster than you could ever imagine and chairs and the tables and all of the events were to be places there on the lawn. I didn't know how long it would take to set the lawn up and to be honest I didn't really care because the entire day of my wedding was spent with people trying to prepare for the 'big day', myself included. And while in some small way I _was_ proud to take part of this family tradition the only thing I could think of was the fact that I was no longer going to be free. And I was no longer going to be Nariccsa Black. I was to become Narcissa Malfoy. And from that day forward everything I did would reflect on the Malfoy family. It would reflect on my husband and any future children I happened to have. And the idea of reproducing was a scary one at that age. Perhaps it was nerves. Perhaps it was just that I wasn't ready. But there was no saying 'no' to Mum and Dad once their minds were made up and Lucius had been, for all technical purposes, a rather kind person. As far as fiancés went he was quite good. He wasn't overly intrusive, he wasn't overly bossy and he didn't expect me to suddenly change everything about myself merely because I was to become his wife. As a matter-of-fact, he seemed to enjoy me just as I was which was startling to say the least because even my own parents seemed to think there was something wrong with me at times.

They would have thought it even more so if they knew that the one thing I wanted more than anything on the day of my wedding was to see Andromeda and Sirius. Because no matter what they had done Andromeda was still my older sister and Sirius was still my cousin and right up until he fell from favor he had still been one of my favorite relatives. I could remember so clearly all the summers we spent together as children. And even when we bickered- and we bickered mercilessly- there was not a single time that Sirius hadn't been there for us. He was one of the best people I ever knew in my life and I thought that forever. It didn't matter what he had done or who he was friends with. Family means a lot in this world and yet they throw them away. At the drop of a hat parents are willing to disown their children and I could never understand it. So, I pretended to hate them. I pretended that they were a shame to me, that I could believe that we were related but I still cared for them. I guess I still loved them.

I never told Bellatrix that I wanted to see them, of course. Any time Andromeda or Sirius came up all she would do was go on about how they were blood traitors and how it would be a cold day in the proverbial hell before she ever welcomed them back into her family. Bellatrix was and always would be one of the most pureblooded purebloods in both body and mind that the world ever would know. Nothing was more important to her than status and blood purity. And if Sirius could enjoy the company of muggles and Andromeda could marry one then they were of no use to her. and they were an embarrassment to her and her husband, her husband who I could barely stand to look at and yet was forced to have lunches and dinners with, with Bellatrix and him and my fiancé because, heaven forbid, purebloods did anything but stick together.

Andromeda and Sirius knew about my wedding, of course. My parents had put out a large article in the Daily Prophet the moment that Lucius and I opted to get married. I don't know if they thought it would make them seem grander if the whole wizarding world knew about it or if they were just bragging. The Malfoys were one of the oldest and most famous pureblood families in the whole of the world so of course they were quite ecstatic to have their child marrying into said family. But even if they hadn't taken out space in the daily prophet they would have known because without my parents' knowledge I had sent them my own letters, the only letters I had sent them since they were kicked out of the family. I wanted them to know, from me, that I was going to be married. And I wanted my sister to know that no matter what happened I still loved her. And that with each and every breath I took I thought of her and worried for her. And I wondered if she and Ted were really as happy as they thought they would be. Was it worth being disowned by her own parents just to marry him? Was her love for him really that strong? I couldn't imagine it being strong enough to not need her family in her life anymore. Didn't she wonder what her life would be like if she had just abided by our parents' wishes? Did she ever regret it? Or was her relationship with Ted enough?

I didn't ask. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer because if it _was_ enough I think I would have been heartbroken, to know that my sister didn't need me anymore, that Ted had become enough from her, had become all she needed.

My parents headed to the Malfoy manor before I did and left me to finish up the last touched of hair and makeup and to prepare myself mentally for what I was about to go do, to spend my last few hours as a single woman with a little bit of privacy. And it was a daunting thought for someone as young as I to know that soon I would never, ever be able to call myself as such again. I was to be a wife. I was to be a Malfoy.

Three hours before the ceremony was to begin I received an owl. There was no signature on the letter attached to it, just four simple words:

_Meet us. Diagon Alley._

I didn't need any signature to know who it was from. I knew from the moment that the owl landed and I opened that letter that it was my sister. And Sirius. And I knew that if my parents ever found out that I had gone to see them they would disown me, too. But I had to. I loved them still.

So, I did the one thing I knew my parents would hate me fore if they ever found out: I used the floo system and I ended up in Diagon Alley. My sister was standing outside of Ollivander's when I approached her, still as beautiful as she had ever been, her dark brown hair shorter now than it had been the last time I saw her; her face still elegant in its own way, soft curves and beautiful skin and she was smiling at me. And then, as if no time at all had passed, she wrapped her arms around me. It was the most heartbreaking experience I had had thus far in my life, to have my older sister whom I was not even supposed to be speaking to embrace me on the day of my wedding.

"Are you happy?" she asked.

I stopped. And thought. And wondered. Am I happy? Is this what I really want? I wasn't sure. I didn't think I would ever be. But I knew that this was what was going to happen whether I wanted it or not. So I smiled and I told her, "Lucius is a wonderful man. He's never going to treat me badly," I assured her. "And no matter what anyone says this is my life. Mum and Dad did not make this decision for me."

I don't think she believed that. I pretty sure that she thought Mum and Dad talked me into this and maybe in a way they had. But Lucius was my choice. There were other pureblood families I could have decided to marry into but he was the one I wanted.

Sirius came out of Flourish and Blotts, his hair brushing his shoulders, darker than I remembered. I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to him because I knew that he hated everything that our family stood for, that the Malfoy family stood for. But at the same time I knew I needed to speak to him if only for a moment.

He approached me, smiling and laughing and he wrapped his arms around me in the same way that Andromeda had, hugging me to his lean body, swaying me slightly from side to side as if he were dancing with me, a dance we would never have at my wedding. Sirius was the only thing I had that was close to a brother. As much as we all loved his brother Regulus was nothing like him and it was always Sirius that I had been closer to, was able to enjoy myself around more. And if I had the choice I would want to dance with Sirius at my wedding. But I would never get that choice. If he showed up there it would have been an all-out war and we both knew it. So, he gave me his equivalent of a dance right there in Diagon Alley, holding me close to him.

"You sure you want to go through with this then?" he asked. There was this mischief in his eyes like if he could, if I asked him to, he would take me away at that moment, whisk me away from this event he probably considered to be an atrocity, away from all of the things that my family expected from me. He would take me to a place where I didn't have to worry but that place didn't exist and we both knew it. He was just idealistic in that way. Always was.

"This is what's going to be," I told him. "And that's all there is to it."

Sirius released me and watched me like he was waiting for me to laugh or to tell him that I was joking. He definitely hoped I _was_ joking but I wasn't, I couldn't be. This was my life and I had come to accept it. And perhaps in my own way I even loved Lucius then but I'm not sure even now. I know I cared for him back then, I know that back then he was someone I valued a great deal. I would have considered him a friend at the very least and he was my fiancé. He meant a lot to me. So, of course, I didn't seem like I was joking because I wasn't.

"I'm fine with this," I assured him. "Lucius treats me well and everyone is excited. You don't have to worry about me." His worry wouldn't be any good either way. The wedding was today and my parents were waiting at the Malfoy manor and I wouldn't be able to stay here for very long. If I vanished for too long my parents would come to find me and if they caught me with Andromeda and Sirius there would be a battle like none that had ever been scene family squabble wise. But I wanted more time with them, just a little bit because once I married Lucius it would be almost impossible to talk to them again. I wasn't even sure if they'd _want_ to talk to me again once I married Lucius.

Looking at the two members of my family that had been thrown away I wished for a moment that we were kids again, back when life was simpler and no one had disappointed the family. If that had never happened then I wouldn't have had to sneak out to see them; I would have been able to invite them to my wedding. I would have been able to look forward to dancing with Sirius after the ceremony. But that wasn't going to happen no matter what I hoped for.

Sirius linked his arm through mine and hugged me close to him as he exchanged a look with my sister that I couldn't read. His eyes were mischievous, hers were accepting and it was so, so familiar. I wished that we could have the happier times back. "Have a drink with us quickly before you have to run off to get married," he encouraged.

I should have been heading back so I could finish getting ready for my wedding but a little time wasn't going to hurt. That's what I kept telling myself over and over again. And besides, despite being surrounded by dozens of people I had been so very, very lonely in the last couple of weeks. If it meant being able to spend a tiny bit more time with them before seeing them again became almost impossible then I was willing to risk it a little. "Alright," I told him. "Just one drink."

Sirius smiled.

I knew that could probably just mean trouble.


End file.
